The Bridge of (Khazad)'Doom
by Ariana Deralte
Summary: "What is your name?" "What is your quest?" "What is the velocity of a speeding Nazgul?"


Disclaimer: Monty Python doesn't belong to me, neither does Lord of the Rings, or Batman for that matter but he's not in this story anyway.

The Bridge of (Khazad)'Doom

Wizened Old Man: …must answer me these questions three. (Aragorn steps up.)

What is your name?

Aragorn: Aragorn son of Arathorn. Isildur's Heir. Also known as Strider, Dunadan, Cupcake…

Wizened Old Man: Right, right. Enough already (sly grin)…Cupcake. (The entire Fellowship snickers if they weren't snickering already.) What is your quest? (Aragorn considers.)

Aragorn: Well, technically, I'm going to Gondor to help defend them against Mordor. But I'm also helping the halfling along on his quest.

Wizened Old Man: (cackles evily) And what, is your favourite color? (Dramatic music is heard.)

Aragorn: Periwinkle blue. (More snickering.)

Wizened Old Man: Right, bugger off. (Aragorn crosses the bridge. Pippin steps up, but only because Merry pushed him.) 

What is your name?

Pippin: Pip – I mean Pere – arghhhhhhh!!!! (Pippin falls into the pit.)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took. (Boromir steps up.)

Wizened Old Man: What is your name?

Boromir: Boromir, son of Steward Denthor II

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Boromir: To bring Aragorn back to Gondor, and stare greedily at the ring occasionally.

Wizened Old Man: What are the Remmirath and where do they lie?

Boromir: I don't – arghhhhhhh!!!! (Boromir falls into the pit. Legolas is snickering.)

Sam: I bet you don't know either.

Legolas: Watch and see. (He steps up.)

Wizened Old Man: What is your name?

Legolas: Legolas Greenleaf, Son of Thranduil, Lord of the Elves of Mirkwood.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Legolas: To shoot straight, to glare at Gimli and to wander around looking pretty for all the fans out there. (Smiles at the camera. *ahem*)

Wizened Old Man: (leering) What's your sign? (Legolas looks scared.)

Legolas: Capricorn.

Wizened Old Man: What's your phone number?

Legolas: That's four questions…(Old Man scowls at him.)

Wizened Old Man: Alright, pass already. (Frodo steps up.)

What is your name?

Frodo: Frodo Baggins.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Frodo: To take the One Ring to Mount Doom and destroy it, while looking adorable along the way.

Wizened Old Man: Right. Pass then. (Frodo starts to cross.)

Merry: Hey, he didn't get three questions.

Wizened Old Man: He's the Ringbearer. 

Merry: You still have to ask him the three questions.

Wizened Old Man: Fine. Hey Frodo! What type of people live in the Shire? (Frodo stares at him, wondering if it is a trick question.)

Frodo: Hobbits? 

Wizened Old Man: Good luck on your quest. (Waves him off. Sam quietly runs after him. No one notices. Merry approaches.)

What is your name?

Merry: Meriadoc Brandybuck

Wizened Old Man: What is your favourite color?

Merry: (opens mouth to speak, then closes it and glares at the old man who shrugs.)

Wizened Old Man: Thought I could get you there.

Merry: Red.

Wizened Old Man: And what is your quest?

Merry: To provide comic relief along with Pippin. (He hurries across the bridge before the old man can speak. Only Gimli and Gandalf are left. They look at each other.)

Gimli: Arm wrestle you for it?

Gandalf: (evil smile) How about I just turn you into a newt and carry you in my pocket? (Gimli steps up)

Wizened Old Man: What is your name?

Gimli: Gimli, Son of Gloin.

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Gimli: To help Frodo and provide some comic relief when Pippin and Merry can't.

Wizened Old Man: Why are dwarf names so hard to pronounce?

Gimli: Well…(He leans in and whispers to the old man. The old man looks at him.)

Wizened Old Man: Really? (Gimli nods.) See you later then. (Gandalf steps up.)

What is your name?

Gandalf: Gandalf The Grey, Mithrandir, Olorin etcetera ad nauseum. 

Wizened Old Man: What is your quest?

Gandalf: To provide wise council on this quest, plus I can blow some mean smoke rings.

Wizened Old Man: (reading from a notecard) What is the velocity of a speeding Nazgul?

Gandalf: (puzzled) Winged or horsed?

Wizened Old Man: (flips over notecard) I don't know, the bloody card doesn't – arghhhhhh!!!! 

Gandalf: Well, that's that. (Starts to walk across. A piece of cloth from the old man's cloak flys up and wraps around his leg, pulling him over.) Fly you fools! Oh, bugger…(The remainder of the Fellowship stares for a second, then shrug and walk away.)

*****

A/N: For those of you who don't know (I didn't either until I looked it up in the Encyclopedia of Arda…) the Remmirath are a cluster of stars known to us as the Pleiades. The reason Legolas was snickering is because Remmirath is the Elvish name for them. 


End file.
